Hello, I’m Lisa and I care too much. My heart is almost too big to fit in my chest and over the last 26 years, this has given me more trouble than peace.
I care more about other people than I do about myself. I’ve got so much empathy in me that I sometimes don’t even wonder why others don’t have any; I simply think it’s all in me. And whilst, in its substance, this isn’t a bad thing, it reveals a problem which is hard to avoid: most people care about themselves the most.
Things have changed a little bit over the past few years. Whilst until a couple of years ago, I even cared more about the neighbour’s cat than myself (I probably still do, he’s really cute. The cat, not my neighbour), I will now be a bit more ‘selective’ with who I’m going the extra mile for. However, when it comes down to it, I will place my colleague’s third cousin before myself because that’s just how I work.
Unlucky for me, not many people work like this. In fact, most people don’t even work with a fraction of this. It manifests the most when I’m going through a hard time. Whilst even though I am free falling and am inches away from hitting rock bottom, I will always go the extra mile to ensure that everyone around me is okay, they seem to successfully suppress the fact that they have just seen me fall past their little house of content and ignorance.
The common Big Heart Person – or shall I just say ‘I’? – will completely neglect themselves to make sure their friends, family and distant acquaintances are alright. In fact, no one will ever find out how hard they are struggling; this is for two reasons: 1. The common BHP will most likely say they’re fine. If anything, they will reveal that they are having ‘a bit of a rough patch’ but they would never reveal how much they’re really suffering.
And 2. Well. Not even the neighbour’s cat wants to hear how they’re really feeling. People don’t want to listen to your problems because they are so busy with their own lives that there is simply no room for even your littlest sorrows, let alone the deep stuff.
What’s particularly funny about this is that it doesn’t only happen to me in real life but also online. I truly believe that you can find and build amazing relationships with people over the internet, whether that’s platonic or romantic, but for some reason, whenever I start to really care about people, they disappear. Or they don’t disappear but instead hover around. I can tell that they don’t care about me the same amount but my heart clings on to them like a child to their parents’ legs. I’m like a baby monkey attached to its mum’s chest and I just want to give, regardless of whether I receive or not.
I don’t know what to do about this because as much as you can’t force yourself to care about someone, you equally can’t force yourself to stop caring. Acceptance is a good first step but I think I’ve got a long way to go. Maybe I’ll never let it go, maybe I’ll some day find a handful of people who will care an equal amount.
’til then x