When I wake up in the middle of the night, that’s where my mind races the fastest. Put rain or a thunderstorm in and I will get my pen and paper out, grab my thoughts and pour them on to pages. A few weeks ago, I had this funny realisation which made it so clear to me why I hadn’t felt like I’d fully arrived in Brighton and in my career yet. Why I was feeling so uneasy about my job situation, about everything, really; like there was a piece missing that I hadn’t yet found and which would make it all come together in the end.
I am actually building a business.
I have to become an entrepreneur, sink my teeth in and go out there and get it.
Bloody hell, how have I not realised this? How have I not realised that going freelance means being my own boss, and therefore running my own business? What the hell, Lisa.
The reason I didn’t get it, I think, is because I just jumped into it without thinking. I quit my job in London without really knowing what was going to happen next. I knew I was moving to Brighton and I thought I was going to work part-time and partly work freelance and kind of take the best of both worlds.
But the part-time job hunt was the most frustrating ordeal and gave me over 100 setbacks, after which I thought, “Screw it, I am only doing the freelancing now.” But what I somehow did not realise was that this means building something from scratch without having a nice big batch of money in the account to fall back on should I encounter 100 setbacks in the freelance life. Oops.
And part of me is excited and part of me is terrified but isn’t that the exact right combination you need to go out there and get what you want?
“There is no button to push to get you through this. You’ve just got to jump in and be scared and stick with it until it gets fun.”
Over the course of the past few weeks, I became more and more comfortable with me as a career girl. I now double-check how I word something depending on the platform and how I present myself and my career – not only to other people but also to myself. As a very humble and often self-conscious person, I would say sentences like, “I don’t really know what I’m doing”, “I’m only improvising, really” or start sentences with, “I’m just trying to…”. Subconsciously, this had manifested itself into my mind. I became an insecure person because I was constantly talking myself down.
Now I believe in my abilities. I say what I want and I stand by and up for it. I’ve not made a 180 and became arrogant, I simply started believing in myself. In that I have chosen the right career path for myself and that I can be my own boss.
I am well aware that building something out of nowhere is not going to be easy. That it’s going to involve spending more money than I earn on equipment, props, goods and tickets and that it means working 24/7 with very little reward at the beginning. To sacrifice; to make mistakes and learn from them and make it better next time.
Write, post, comment, share, like. Get my work into the world, be proud of it, don’t be afraid of what other people think because this is what I want to do. I want to write and be creative and achieve goals which, for now, are only in my head and which, one day, I will have reached with hard work that I put into it.
But you know what? I’m ready for it. Watch me do it.
I’m not bossy. I’m the boss.
’til next time x