It’s been a while since I openly and honestly shared how my life is going right now. I don’t know why. Maybe I was just too consumed by it, trying to swim whilst the fear of drowning hung over me like the Sword of Damocles. I have tried focussing on the positives by telling you 5 things that have recently made me happy, showed you that I was attending cool events like the Bluebird Tea Co. store launch in London and revealed a hopefully somewhat funny side when I opened up about what I would write in my Tinder bio if I was being honest.
I deleted Tinder shortly after publishing that post.
The Bluebird Tea Co. launch, which I attended by myself, was the first time I left the house for an evening/an event in… I don’t know how long, possibly all year.
And the 5 things that have recently made me happy were a mere attempt at showing myself the positive aspects of life whilst I felt like it was all a bit much.
You see, I’m struggling to create content for the blog right now because, well, I’m struggling. Still. 2017 continues to be a difficult year, with a lot of aspects looking much brighter than they have a few weeks and months ago but with equally the same amount of Meddlums and black dogs still surrounding me on a daily basis.
I am currently doing Vlogtober over on my YouTube channel and whilst I really, really do enjoy it, it also shows me just how uneventful my life is. How lonely. How I am sitting in my isolated castle and it doesn’t matter if that’s in Eastbourne, Brighton or London because I carry it around with me like a snail carries their home with them, too. I am very comfortable in my own Wonderland but I am equally trapped in it.
Whilst I share a lot of my introvert qualities with a lot of creatives out there, the difference is that they still have an audience. Whether that’s on YouTube, Twitter or Instagram, they never feel alone if they don’t want to because there is always someone to reach out to. I, on the other hand, have legitimately no one.
Moving to a different country is always tricky and since having made the step into self-employment, the loneliness has, in all honesty, increased tenfold. I wouldn’t want to go back to ‘normal’ employment, not for the foreseeable future, anyway, nor can I see myself ever living anywhere but England, but I haven’t quite found my creatives to share my passion with. I didn’t do this seriously when I still lived in London, which obviously has a very dense field of creators, and I didn’t live in Brighton long enough to reach out to like-minded people. Now, in Eastbourne, I am potentially the only blogger out here.
I am really not entirely sure where I am going with this post but I guess I felt like it was time to share another update of my life. An update for the audience I hope to one day reach. I want to be an advocate for showing others that behind the glamorous Instagram facade, behind the PSLs and the shopping trips and clothing hauls, there is loneliness and fear of failure and self-doubt.
So yes, I’m feeling a little bit uninspired lately and I hate it because it’s October and October is my favourite month. I haven’t soaked it all up nearly as much as I had hoped I would but I am really trying bloody hard to come to terms with it. November and December are also two of my favourite months and I am looking forward to making the most of the rest of 2017.
’til next time x