You might have noticed that I took some time off social media lately. Or you might not have noticed at all. Because if I’m completely honest – no one really reads this or cares for my tweets or Instagram posts.
I said this without bitterness; it’s just that being completely honest to and with myself was something I had to go through and let me tell you, it’s fucking hard.
It wasn’t just some time away from social media. It was time away from London, time away from the people and my job; so on a cloudy Thursday, I took some comfy clothes and myself and went off home for a couple of days.
It had been a difficult few months. Months in which I hadn’t been completely honest with myself and therefore let my happiness slip away little by little until I was surrounded by darkness; an ever growing Obscurus which would follow me around. First unnoticeable, then I would catch a glimpse here & there, until it swallowed me whole and wouldn’t let me go.
I was scared that I was overreacting; that I was being dramatic and should just pull myself together. After all, that’s what people told me to do. To ‘put a smile on that face’ and ‘get out more’. And I thought I could do it. But every optimistic high was followed by a devastating low, which showed me that, in fact, I can’t do it myself.
I had promised myself to never get to a point like this again, so I just decided to not be completely honest with myself. It wasn’t a conscious decision but one I made to hold my dream upright. A dream which had not come true. One which I had hoped would but never turned out to be what I had envisioned. And I felt embarrassed.
It wasn’t until I got health problems from it that I realised I had gone too far and needed to see someone. I did, and that journey had begun once more.
And so I took time off to recharge my batteries. Running on essentially zero energy, I was almost untreatable, meaning I had to get to a certain level before I could even start any journey I needed to go on.
For a whole week, I unplugged.
I didn’t check social media the second I woke up, in fact, I didn’t check it at all for a good few days and who knew that the earth would still revolve around the sun? I didn’t spend every waking minute being stressed about my work and I didn’t occasionally double this up with some comparison on Instagram because this girl’s makeup game is much stronger than mine and why does that one have so many followers and wow, I wish I lived her life. I didn’t feel pressured to look my very best every day, I went without makeup and without doing my nails every two days because they chip even when I just look at them. I listened to Ed Sheeran’s new album, watched countless documentaries on Netflix and tried to not view everything through my perfectionist filter; to not be hard on myself for relaxing, taking a step back.
No one even knew I was home except my parents. I just had some absolutely stripped back few days to unplug from everything and get me to a level from which treatment can actually mean getting better and not trying to work up more energy to get it done with.
I am now in a much better place and determined to keep making life better.
I want to thank Megs and Beth for their posts which gave me the final push to seek help and be completely honest with myself. You might not know what your words can do but they gave this girl that little bit of strength it took to sit in a doctor’s office and cry.
To everyone else silently struggling, I hope Megs’, Beth’s or my words give you that little bit of strength to speak to someone. As far as I’m aware, you’ve got this one life, so make it a good one. And even if there’s more – you don’t want to spend your next life regretting not living this one to the fullest. Take a step back. Nothing is worth more than your health and happiness.
Lastly, please be kind to one another. We as humans somehow always assume that other people’s lives are perfect; free from sorrows, worries or problems. It always look picture perfect on social media, and maybe some people’s lives are actually pretty damn close to perfect, but you never see behind closed doors.
’til next time x